“Whitney, I--” I started to say before my breath caught in my chest. I coughed.
“I told you to take medicine, Chris.” Whitney said coolly, almost like a revolver bound by velvet.
“What would it matter? I don’t care about myself anymore; I need to take care of you.”
“Enough about me,” she said, her voice distorted to become more like that revolver bound by velvet rubbed the wrong way, “You’ve always done that. You never put yourself FIRST. Selflessness is only good to a certain extent.”
“The second I do that, something will hurt you!” I turned the volume dial down more than what was necessary.
“I can defend myself, Chris! I’ve done it ever since I was fifteen, in case you’ve forgotten! I think I can handle simple situations on my own.” Whitney whipped her head around to face forward again.
“I’m sorry…” I said after a few irritable moments, staring down at my worn out Converse.
The cadence again overtook the frigid air. I noticed Whitney’s paling knuckles gripping the steering wheel shaking slightly. Tears ran down her ashen complexion. Her silent sobs shot through me as if she shot that velvety revolver right through the most delicate organ of my chest. An approaching curve was not far ahead. She closed her eyes and bowed her head with no indications of slowing.
6 comments:
AH MAH GAWD!
Rise Against. =)
Anyways...
I absolute love your hook! I find it amazing. You are beautifully creating imagery throughout the entire story.
its sad. i like it though, i like how at the ending you tell us exactly what is going to happen, but you dont say it. its awesome.
Amazing descriptions in this. The opening line alone sets an amazing image in your head of where they are as well as being symbolic of and foreshadowing the mood between the passengers of the car. Phenomenal. The interaction between Whitney and Chris is really interesting. You can get a sense of what's going on but you really don't know the whole truth behind it. I like it written this way because whenever you seem to be in an argument with someone close to you it seems like neither of you know the whole truth behind the situation. My only suggestion is to watch the narration, at one point its in 3rd person and other times it is in 1st person. The metaphor of the velvet revolver was interesting but I'm not sure I fully comprehend it just yet :(. The description of Whitney is great at the end. Great great great stuff
I love the hook in your story...it really grabs your attention. i want to know what happens but i'm not sure if they should die???? i love your simile's ans metaphors and how you described Whitney
liza! what happened to them?? why is that girl crying??? i'm so confused! you have to make up an ending just for me. ...please? whatever. either way, i love how you keep coming back to velvet revolver. and...-thinks- oh yeah, the wording got kinda confusing towards the end. i think you should just read through and fix those little things, but seriously, you rox mah sox.
Oh My God
That was beautiful.
I am now in love with your writing, its so beautiful and paints the coolest pictures. You just earned yourself 10 awesome points.
Post a Comment